The Life and Adventures of an Arkansas Doctor by David Rattlehead, M.D.

CHAPTER I A Lumping Business................................................................... 13

CHAPTER II. Starting Off on the Right Foot....................................................... 26

CHAPTER III. Spontaneous Ebullition in a Drunkard ............................................33

CHAPTER IV. The Resurrection, or how to take up a Negro .................................38

CHAPTER V. Busting a Dog and Carving a Turkey..............................................49

CHAPTER VI. The Way to keep Folks from Marrying .........................................59

CHAPTER VII. A Death-bed Scene   ...................................................................64

CHAPTER VIII.A New Plan for Catching a Rogue ...............................................70

CHAPTER IX. Bloodshed and Hysterics ............................................................. 76

CHAPTER X.   Aqua Fortis and Croton Oil, or Taking the Wrong Medicine.............84

CHAPTER XI.  Three Scrapes in One Night..........................................................91

CHAPTER XII. A Thunder Storm, and a Night in the Woods ..............................100

CHAPTER XIII. Making a Hole in the Wrong Place ............................................115

CHAPTER XIV. A Fishing Party, a Ghost, and Suicide ......................................121

CHAPTER XV. Taken Captive by Indians ....................................................... ..130

CHAPTER XVI. The Man with a Snake Disease ................................................141

CHAPTER XVII. Cutting up a Negro Alive .................................................... ....147

CHAPTER XVIII. A Fight with Wolves .......................................................... .154

CHAPTER XIX. How to Cure Deafness in Three Hours .....................................161

CHAPTER XX. Battlehead's Farewell Address ..................................................166

CHAPTER I. A LUMPING BUSINESS.

HISTORY says I was born in one of the South-western States, in the year eighteen hundred and-bring a bucket of water-in the month of September. What an auspicious moment, or rather, what a lovely month it is. It is in this month we can see the wisdom of nature displayed in all its glory. Think of the rich fruits with which we are blessed, and now, before hoary frost has preyed upon the verdant foliage, all nature seems in its beauty. But as the month is not so much concerned now, with my history, I will leave it and proceed. My parentage I can boast of as being of the highest respectability, but unfortunately, they were not rich-had they been, then this book had never been written. Although they were not wealthy, they possessed enough of this work's desirables to give me and all my other sisters a very respectable "Log-cabin" education.
At quite an early age I manifested a disposition to obtain an education superior to that given to my older brothers, or in fact superior to most persons in that part of the country.
I often spoke to my parents about it, and they seemed willing to give me a better opportunity, but they feared my older brothers would make complaint. (Very natural thing in a family, about matters of less importance.) Notwithstanding my desire to obtain an education, I could not help playing many pranks on my schoolmates and teacher, but as these are of everyday occurrence, I will not annoy you by relating them. I went to school about four or five months of the year until I was fifteen years old. I had to work on the farm the balance of the year. Finding at that age that I could not have an opportunity of obtaining much of an education, I proposed to my parents to let me go off about three hundred miles, in a different portion of the state, and offer myself as clerk in a dry-goods store, with an old acquaintance of theirs. I thought I could find some leisure time to study in an establishment of that kind. As luck would have it, they consented, and now for a long journey, thought I. Every preparation for my departure was made.   I had as good a horse as ever made a track.

The day was fixed for me to leave. I had thought but little about it until the day arrived. What thoughts passed through my aching brain in a few moments. I could think of every endearment that bound me to my youthful home. Yes, even as I recall the scene to-day, after years have passed, it awakens in my bosom feelings of the deepest emotion.
But I must proceed. The day appointed was the 10th of December; it arrived, and I don't think I ever beheld a more .lovely day in winter; every thing was still as death about that dear old home, that now is lost to sight, perhaps forever. Not the rustling of a leaf, the rippling of water, nothing could be heard save the lonely moan of a dove, perched upon the bough of a neighboring tree, basking in the genial rays of the sun; and well do I remember how desolate and lonely that sound; it seemed as the last dread call to mortal beings on earth. My brothers and sisters were collected at my father's dwelling to bid me a fond adieu ; many, many were the words of advice given me before the parting hand was taken; they all took an unusual interest in me as I was going to leave them, to seek my destiny among strangers. Another thing that made them more careful in their admonitions, I was the youngest of the family. One would tell me," Now, brother, you know you are the runt of the family, any how, and you must be careful- don't get sick-take care of Charley (my horse), and your money." Many other words of advice were given which I have now forgotten-and I s'pose you are glad of it-and I bade them all adieu, mounted my horse and started on my journey. One of my brothers accompanied me a few miles, and then I had to leave him and steer my course alone. Never had I before known what it was to feel bad. I began to wish that I had never started, that 1 had never left my parental roof. I then thought how kind my parents had been to me. I reflected how I had often treated my brothers and sisters- not but that I had been as good as most brothers, but I thought of the many unkind words I had spoken. I then thought of their attention during any little illness I had ever suffered. I recollected that my dear sisters had come around my couch and wept, because I was sick. I thought of the tears my parents shed when I took the parting hand. I thought of all my schoolmates, how cruel I had treated them, sometimes without a cause-thus thinking, I was overpowered, my youthful heart was filled to overflowing-I burst into tears. This relieved me for a moment, and I knew I had started and it would never do to turn back. I was determined to go ahead. I traveled on until night, and called at a very good-looking house, to see if I could stay all night; I was informed that I could; got down, and after giving many careful directions about Charley, 1 went in. The landlord was very kind, and made me feel quite at tome.
Nothing of interest occurred until I went to bed. I was put into a room with a good comfortable wood fire, and being tired from a long ride, I retired early. I suppose I had been in bed an hour and had fallen asleep. 1 was suddenly awakened by a noise at the door; I was confident the door was locked safe, and that I could not be molested by any person-I spoke, and asked who was there ; I received no answer, and hearing no more noise for some time after concluded I had been mistaken, and was about falling into the arms of Morpheus again, when the noise aroused me the second time.
I had prepared myself before leaving my father's to face any difficulty that I might meet, and thought I should soon have an opportunity of trying my weapons of death in my own defense. I accordingly arose, took out my pistol and long knife - the pistol in one hand and the knife in the other - and how I was ready. I still heard the noise at the door. I waited a little while, expecting the door to be forced open-that I should be knocked into a cocked-hat, or eternity, in a little or no time, and then my destiny was soon realized. You had better think I was frequently at my father's house in my imagination, under the same protecting care, but was not long left in my fancied imagination, until the door was opened, and in popped a big black negro almost large enough to swallow me. Says I, " Stop, you black scoundrel, or I will blow you to the devil in a moment"-at the same time pointing my pistol at him, and flourishing my long knife in the other hand. I concluded it was a runaway negro trying to rob me. The sight of the knife and pistol had quite a narcotic influence on the African, for he looked like he had come out of a thunder-cloud in August. He raised his hands to the utmost, rolled his eyes like a Panorama, oped his mouth like the Mammoth Cave, and said,
" Good God ! massa, don't hurt poor nigga, him just come to black your boots."

The negro had come to the door, expecting to find my boots outside, and was fumbling about in the dark trying to find them; not finding them outside, he was trying to come in without waking me.   I told him to take them and put off, and never attempt to go into a gentleman's room again without knocking, or he might get his spleen blown into a batter-cake. I then locked the door and rested finely all night. On my way next day, I thought about my adventure the previous night, and considered myself fortunate in getting off as well as I did.

In about three days after this I arrived safe at my place of destination, and found my father's old friend. He invited me to see him, which I did very soon, and was not long in telling him my business. A salary was soon agreed upon, and I was getting right up in the world; from a farmer's boy, had become a clerk in a dry-goods store. I felt my greatness, I did. I entered on the duties of my calling with a little instruction from my boss occasionally, with due regard for his best interest. The first thing to be done was to learn the whereabouts of all the different articles in the store. This occupied some four or five days, and then my employer said he would give me the pass-word-that is to say, for instance, in particular the cost-mark. I was eager to get into the mysteries of the mercantile business, did not know what I might be some time myself. One morning he came in and said to me-
"Mr. Rattlehead, this is the cost word; you must learn to tell what any piece of goods cost in a moment by this mark, and be careful you don't lose it before learning it."
I took the word and commenced looking over the different goods in the store, and found I could tell very well; but, alas! that word cost me more than it did anybody else. Not being aware of the vast importance a cost word is to a dry-goods merchant, I was rather careless with it. The word is one of ten letters, no two being the same. The , word was H-a-r-t-s-f-i-e-l-d. I was going round looking at one thing and another and their prices, and, not looking whether any person was in the house or not, I went on thus: H-one-a-two-r-three, &c., to see if I could tell an article when it was necessary. A gentleman-or rather I should say fellow, for he was no gentleman that would thus take the advantage of a boy fifteen years old - happened to be in the store at the time, sitting down reading a newspaper.

"Ha, ha!" says he, " I've got you now, have I ?   It spells Hartsfield, does it?"

If I didn't feel like I was milked, you may bury me and my book forever in the oblivion of a potato hill. I told the old fellow that he was mistaken, it was only the name of a little village where a friend of mine lived, and I was spelling the name on a letter I had just written, and was going to send by the first mail. My lying did not serve as good a purpose in that instance as it did very often after that with that same old covey, for if I didn't make him pay for that trick before I got done with dry-goods, then there is no virtue in high prices. He was a good customer, and he paid good prices when I was the salesman, certain as three ones make a broomstick. The old stick-in-the-mud left that day before my boss came in, greatly to my relief. When he came in, I of course had to tell him all about it, and what a blunder I had made, and begged that he would excuse me, as I did not know any person was in the store at the time. He looked about as sweet at me as green persimmons, and pleasing as a rooster laying an egg, and said nothing for about ten minutes.

Then said he, "We will have to go to work and re-mark every piece of goods in the house."
I remarked that I was willing to do all that I could. Then we had it about what word we would have.
Says he, "It is not so easy to find a word to suit every day, and I hope you will be as good to find a word as you were to lose one."
Rather spurred at such a sharp remark, I went to thinking at the rate of a bushel per minute, and in less than a minute I had it. I was always thinking of Charley and my dinner, and here I. found the word with ten letters, and no two alike. Says I, "Sir, I've got it for you much quicker than I lost the other."
"Well," he said, " what is it ? "
" Charley," says I.
"Charley?"
" Yes, Charley."
Says he," You are a fool; how does that make ten letters ? "
I commenced for him: B-l-a-c-k-H-o-r-s-e, Charley. The thing was so good it put the old boss in quite a good humor, and he and I made black horse serve a fine purpose of obtaining high prices for goods after that.

In the store was kept a general assortment of almost everything. Hardware, dry-goods, queens ware, and a few medicines, &c, &c. After getting over the difficul-ties about the cost mark, I thought I would get on with-out any more trouble. Here again I was mistaken. My boss thought he had initiated me sufficiently into the mysteries to trust me for a short time each day in the store alone, while he took his pleasure in walking about. I think it was rather dear pleasure, if I had to guess.

He went out one day, and left me in the store. A gen-tleman called and wanted some blue mass. I went to hunt up the article, and found ajar marked blue mass, and the figures 37 1/2. This I thought was the price of it. I took it down, and sold the jar and contents for thirty-seven and a half cents. I rolled it up, and off he went with near one pound of blue mass for that small price. The price marked on the jar was intended by the ounce.

I was sitting down comfortably, whistling "Yankee-doodle," and asked no favors of any man, when in came the old boss. He went to the slate and saw a sale made of blue mass at thirty-seven and a half cents, and went round to see, I suppose, how I had put it up. He looked where the blue mass was, and it was n't there. He commenced looking at me, and I began to look at him; and says he, "Where's the blue mass jar ? I don't see it; have you moved it?"
"Sir, I have sold the blue mass; don't you see it marked on the slate ? "
"What! sold all the blue mass in the house for that price ? "
" Yes! that was the price marked on the jar."
I have seen bears, wolves, wildcats, &c, staring me right in the face, but he looked more intolerable than anything on record. I remarked to him that I was quite sorry that anything of the kind had happened, but could not help it now, and when he wanted things sold by the ounce he must mark them by the ounce. He considered the matter over, and thought he could not blame me so much, as I was young. I thanked him; and said I hoped nothing of the kind would occur again. He left me in the store again in a few days, and some person called for tobacco. On the box was marked ten cents. I concluded very readily that it meant by the plug, and told the gentleman ten cents a plug. He said he would take six plugs. I put them up for him, thinking all was right. The ten cents was intended for a square, the plugs being cut into five pieces. The boss came in, and looking on the slate, as usual, he saw the tobacco marked on it, and going round to the box, saw six plugs gone for sixty cents. "Oh, Mol, get off my leg!" what looks. He came near bawling right out; he crammed paper in his mouth, knocked off his hat, and swallowed fish brine. I just thought he'd eat me up without time to say my prayers. He was so mad and so confused he never thought of speaking to me the first time. I took the trouble to interrupt him in his happiness by asking him what was the matter; was he sick, or what could make him act so ?
"Matter," says he, " you have sold sold six plugs in-stead of six squares of tobacco for sixty cents !"
"Well, sir, I know nothing of your squares: I don't believe in masonry, nohow; if you want your tobacco sold by the square yard, just square it off yourself."
Finding that I was a little spunky, he came to his senses again, and we made friends, to my great gratification. He hoped, and I thought, that nothing of the kind certainly would happen again. Believing that I had learned a lesson from the past, he left me again to sell what I could. I was determined on doing better, if possible.
A lady called and wanted some "crockery-ware," among other things a six gallon jar. I went to get it for her in haste, and in my hurry I played thunder with burnt clay. I turned over a pile of vessels that were stacked one upon another, and smashed about five dollars' worth. I thought I had as well be fixing up to leave by the time the old man came in, but then concluding to pacify him a little by selling the jar, I found it, and saw marked thereon twelve and a half cents. It seemed right cheap, but I knew it was none of my business about his prices. The jar (six gallon) went off for the price marked on it. In the evening the old man came in, and saw I had sold a jar for twelve and a half cents. He went round to look for a jar that could be sold for that amount of money. You think you know how he looked, but you don't. There lay the broken jars, jugs, flower-pots, &c, a pile of ruins. He looked at the pieces of hard dirt and then at me; his face looked like a storm rising; his hair raised his hat off his head; his mouth looked as though he was trying to swallow a tea-pot; his eyes streaming with tears; his ears laid as close to his head as a mule's, - and there he stood perfectly motionless for fifteen minutes, without being able to say one word. At last he yelled out, "You have broke me !" "Sir, I beg to differ with you on that point; I have not broke you, but the crockery is knocked crooked, certain. If you and that deformed mud are any kin, perhaps you are broken." He got madder than ever, and seemed in the act of blowing me up without ceremony, but stopped to ask what, sort of a jar I had sold for twelve and a half cents. I told him about the six gallon jar; he could stand it no longer, but made at me as though he intended to give me blazes in a hat-box. I knew I was small, and had better begin in time, so laid hold of the first thing I could beget (which was a thunder-mug), and let him have it right in the face and eyes. He stopped about the time this reached him, and commenced wiping off the blood, and thinking. I told him I sold the jar at the marked price. He said that was by the gallon. "Well, what do you measure it in? Unless you leave a big measure I can't sell this sort of stuff by the gallon." He saw the mistake, and said he would look over it one time more. After this we got on without much trouble, and the old man thought I would make a great salesman in a short time. I remained with this gentleman for two years. Here let me drop a hint or two to young men just commencing business, more especially in a dry-goods store, I thought I must fix myself up considerable after getting a situation like mine. I had one or two suits made at first, and then had to have this thing and that thing, and it all counted by the time my year was up. At the end of the first year I had gone in debt more than my salary considerably. That taught me a lesson that I have never forgotten. The second year my salary was increased twofold, the old boss thinking I would buy as liberally as before. He would caution me about every-thing else but buying goods of him; he never said once don't be extravagant in your clothing, although he was a professed friend of my parents. The second year I took the precaution of buying but little, and thus hauled out a little of the boss's cash. At the end of the second year I was getting tired of my situation knowing I could never flourish much in the world as a "counter-hopper," and concluded to resign my office. During my stay in the store, a medical book chanced to fall into my head-no, my hands.    This I read again and again, and cultivated a great taste for the science. How little it takes to make us love those things that are hard to obtain. Many were the castles built by me, in the air, as I thought of studying medicine. I received what was due me from my employer, and started on my return to my father's. I had sold "Charley" during the time I had been in business, as every old hag in the village was running to borrow him, and of course I could not think of refusing, for if I did, they would drive my tail into the ground, rock or no rock. In a short time his back was sore, his ribs prominent, tail drooping, and he stood out on the sunny side of the crib looking like he would like to go to the boneyard to get out of his trouble. I went to a landing on the Mississippi River, got on board a steamboat, and in a short time was going like the d-1 in harness to my place of destination. When I got on the boat I had quite a respectable little pile of the "root of all evil." I thought but little of anything, only getting back to my father's to let him see how much I had improved in my appearance, manners, &c. I talked friendly with everybody on board, and told them all about my affairs in every way. Well, trusting to their honesty, I had the consolation of knowing, when I got off the boat, that I had ten dol-lars left, and was glad I had that much. Big salary for two years' hard labor to show my parents. I felt worse than a blind dog in a meat-house; looked like a droop-ing turkey-buzzard, didn't know which side I stood on brought a deep sigh, went into the kitchen, and got as drunk as a fool at a big muster. My parents thought I had made a decided improvement by going from home, and let me sleep out a long nap
that I might enjoy my dissipation to the fullest extent I awoke, and oh ! my head, it felt as lumpy as an old field in dry weather, roared like a saw-mill, and then I puked. But enough of this, for most of you know the delightful feeling one has after a dive into Bacchus; so I'll leave you to think how you got over your last drunken frolic, and I'll go on about my own business. I told my parents that I should certainly quit the profession of drunkenness, and take up that of medicine. They thought it would be more profitable and agreeable to me, and equally as desirable to them. I accordingly went to a little village about three miles distant from my father's residence, to see our old family physician, for the purpose of having a talk with him on the subject, and if he said I would make a doctor, it must be so, and would commence immediately, I saw him, and he told me many flattering tales, and heads too, about being a professional man, and concluded by saying he believed I would make a doctor if any man in that country would. The terms were agreed on, and I returned home to tell my parents of what had been done. They consented. I was soon ready; and then came the great time that made me an "Arkansaw doctor." The curtain falls. I am sleepy : farewell until tomorrow, and then, if I am alive, "my life continues."

CHAPTER   II. STARTING OFF OF THE RIGHT FOOT.

AIR-The fool's recompense.

The air 's composed of certain gases,
That's good when kept together;
But if from that it quickly passes,
It's death on tender leather.
HIM THAT SAW IT

READER, what do you think of our first interview ? Doubtless you will say there is room for improvement. I say so too, and I hope, before we reach the other end of nothing, or this book, to amuse you with something more pertinaciously interesting; and now give a turn on the larboard, and off we go, diving into the mysteries of my many mishaps during my studies in the office of my preceptor. It was in the month of August that I commenced the hottest work of my life, and one that has, as you see already ended in the production of a mass of instruction and amusement for my "feller" men and wimen. The watchword was, never turn back, let the undertaking be good or bad, but go ahead until I had completed my education. I procured me a boarding-house in the little village ; and all things being prepared, I went to the office of my intended preceptor. Not finding him in, I thought I must amuse myself in some way, and concluded I could not do so to better advantage than looking over the medicines, books, &c. I laid my hat and gloves on the table and walked around the counter with as much dignity as a young Galen fifty years old. The first thing to be done was to write my name and see how it would look. I commenced, DR. DAVID RATTLEHEAD. Again and again I wrote it. Then I would write it in co-partnership with some eminent physician; thought what a practice we would have. 4I thought of being called to see patients just at the verge of the grave, when old and experienced doctors had failed to do them any good, and I would only look at them once, and see the disease as plain as an ugly man sees his own beauty. Then I would give a little medicine, and immediately a change was seen. All the doctors had left me in my glory, and" I had cured the case in three or four days. Yes, I thought of being called to see some beautiful and accomplished young lady, the daughter of a wealthy family. She too was fast sinking into the silent tomb; my skill had been heard of, my name heralded through every portion of the country. I was sent for; I detected what had been overlooked by other physicians; the case was put exclusively under my care ; I attended her from day to day ; I heard her saying, " Doctor, you have saved my life; I never can thank you enough for your kindness and attention." She is restored to health: I visit her and the family often, even when there is no sickness; I talked to her of every thing, and love too; I see her blush as I approach: I see she loves me with all the affection of woman: I court her: she leans fondly on my arm, and says, " I owe my life to you-my life, my heart, my all is yours:" I clasp her fondly to my bosom: I imprint a sweet kiss on those ruby lips: I have made my fortune : I am completely happy. Hark! I am aroused from my reverie, and see the office full of people: my pocket-handkerchief is missing: I have swallowed it. I had to give an explanation to the crowd for my strange conduct. I told them that I had embarked in a calling that required the deepest thought, and that I was thinking of the awful responsibility a man took upon himself in commencing the study of medicine. I said, " Is it to be wondered that I stood here for half an hour in grand amazement when I have, by coming into this office to day, changed my entire course in life, my relationship with the world ? I leave to-day many of my old associ-ates, never again to join in their festivities. I am today drinking the wormwood and gall of my life. I bid adieu to the happiness that can again thrill the hearts of my young comrades with pleasant emotions. I shudder as I think to-day closes my hours of happiness and enjoyment with the dear young ladies that have rendered life so desirable; they, with whom I have tasted the Sweets of life; they that have poured into my-my-my hat a bowl of soup last week at uncle Bill's quilting. I re collect well enough how Jane Higgs did it, 'cause I kissed Sally Baker. Come in, gentlemen, sit down, you know we all have our faults." They all took seats, anxious to see how I started, for everybody, and the rest of the world of mankind in that part of the country, said if I "started off of the right foot" I would make a doctor. Well, I was anxious to start off of the right foot too, as you may know. I wanted to make them think I knew a thing or two 3 before reading any thing in medicine, and also wanted to win their good feelings in the beginning, as I had always been told since I had been living, that very much depended on the start we made in any thing, and thought it must apply to medicine too. I had some good cigars. I got them out and passed them round to all present. As the weather was warm, there was no fire in the office, tod I resorted to a match for a light. My preceptor had prepared a large jar of hydrogen gas for the purpose of making some experiments. In my bustle and hurry, I knocked off the top of the jar in which was contained the hydrogen gas, and thereby let in a portion of atmospheric air. To those unacquainted with this gas, I would say, it is, when mixed with a certain portion of atmospheric air, a very explosive mixture. I put the top on the jar again, as I thought, and paid no more attention to it, not knowing then that any danger was near. I drew a match briskly across the shelf, and it ignited without any trouble, and so did something else. If you ever heard a cannon roar on the field of battle, or shuddered at seven claps of thunder, all in a pile, you can form some idea of the noise in that office on that day. The mixture of air and hydrogen had taken fire, and it played the old Harry with the jar and all the crowd that had collected together to see me "start off of the right foot." The noise had alarmed the whole village, and here they came to see what was the cause. In about one hour, nearly the entire population, including men, women, and children, negroes, and every thing else in the form of a breathing animal, was collected in and around the office. I scarcely know how to describe the scene. In the midst of the confusion, my preceptor came up and jumped off of his horse in a rage, and came into the office like fire in stubble, thinking they were mobbing his student. As soon as he got in he asked me what was the cause of all this bloodshed, glass, and cigars in his office during his absence. I related the circumstances as near as I could. He soon explained the matter to the satisfaction of all present, except those that had been so unfortunate as to become the resting place of the pieces of glass. I escaped unhurt, strange to say, with the exception of a temporary deafness. One man had his head cut and was bleeding profusely, another his back, another his face, and one poor fellow had a piece of glass drove into the shank end of his nose. He squealed like a steam-engine, screamed like a wildcat, roared like a lion, turned over faster than pumpkins in a thunder-storm, out-spouted a whale, made as many wry faces as a pig with his tail under the fence, yelled equal to a greyhound running out of a smokehouse with a ham of meat in his mouth, and swore he would never go to see a medical student "start off of the right foot" again. To tell you the truth, I thought he made more ado about his wounded proboscis than was necessary. The crowd could not blame me, as I knew nothing of what was in the jar, or the danger of lighting a match near it. This was my introductory letter to my preceptor, and he said positively, that any man who could come into a physician's office a perfect stranger to medicine, and in less than one hour blow up a glass jar, cut right and left on everybody in the house except himself, and thereby make half a dozen patients for his preceptor, would make a doctor as certain as four and one make a spit box. Here ends the second lesson. Draw my tongue though a watch key, chuckle me under the chin, take my eyeball for an inkstand, split my lip and poke my head through it, and come down here everybody that's below, and up here all ye who are above, and I'll give you my corn-stealer for a peck basket to feed the pigs out of.

CHAPTER III
SPONTANEOUS EBULLITION IN A DRUNKARD.

AIR-Open the gate and let him out.

The drunkard with his thirst unquenched
Came knocking at my door-
"I come to be, and will be drenched
As I have been before."
I told him no ; 'twas all in vain,
But soon I did knock under ;
Poor man, you will not come again
To see a student's wonder,
FRUNTUS.

After making such an extraordinary start in medicine I felt rather careful, and thought I would use more pre-caution in future. The next morning being appointed by my preceptor for me to make a formal commencement of studying the healing art, I went according to promise quite early to the office. He was in waiting for me, lest I might commit some deed equally as desirable as I had done thif day previous. He commenced by telling me the different medicines that were poisonous, and those that I must not touch until I became acquainted with them. He then told me what book to commence reading, and advised me to be a close student and learn as fast as I could. I listened with eager attention to all he said, like it had been law or gospel; told him I would do the best I could, laid off my beaver and went at it.
I had been diving into the hidden mysteries of the science I suppose for an hour or more, when I was interrupted by a sound at the door. I looked up and saw a noted old drunkard, whom I had known for a long time. I knew he was the greatest old pest in the country, and concluded that I was in for a long do-nothing spell, unless I cut his head or his acquaintance at once. He walked in with as much authority as a negro at a corn-shucking, and said to me,
" Uh, ah ! yes, you look like making a doctor, don't you; I knew you before you was born, and you were no 'count then, nor never will be.    Where is the old Doc?"
Says I, " What do you want with him ?"
" I want some soda; when I comes in here he gives me some good bilin' stuff."
I told him I knew nothing about his boiling stuff or soda either, and told him to go off and not trouble me, 1 wanted to read. This only made him worse. I found I had as well try and get rid of him as soon as possible, on any reasonable terms, and*got up to see if I could find the soda he was speaking of. I had heard of soda water, and seen it used, but knew nothing about preparing it. I was deeply interested in the book I was reading, and wanted to get him off to resume my studies. I commenced looking, and was not long in finding the soda, and near it was the tartaric acid. I put the two jars on the counter, procured two glass tumblers, and soon all things were ready for taking a cooling beverage. Here I was somewhat at a loss to know how to mix them.

I did not know which was to be taken first, the soda or the acid; neither did I know how much water or how much soda and acid. I was not to be foiled in my at-tempts in this way, and thought guesswork was as good as any other when it hit right. I poured each glass about two-thirds full of water. I then put into one glass one table-spoonful of soda, and the same quantity of the acid into the other. I gave him the soda, and told him to drink it.    I then gave him the acid.

I had read of explosions by gunpowder, and bursting up of steamboats, railroad accidents, and hailstorms; but that laid everything in the shade, and Bill Measles be-sides. The old fellow made for the door, put one hand on each side, threw his mouth open, stretched out his neck about a foot, shut his eyes, and then, if ever you saw water boil, it boiled out of him in a stream as big as your arm. For near five minutes his mouth was a living fountain. I thought the man would certainly burst open. His stomach roared like distant thunder; his eyes, start-ing from their sockets, looked like the full moon rising in midsummer, and his nostrils, distended to the size of a dog's mouth, looked like one side of creation. In his spouting he threw off more bread than would kill an Irishman, more beef than would fatten a dead negro, more oysters than would choke a turkey-gobbler, more mackerel than would make a nice supper at a boarding-house, and more gas than would make lies enough for a political demagogue in two speeches. He continued his upturning of gastric forbearance for about five minutes without being able to open the door of his respiratory prolongation. I saw him begin to turn as black as a sheet; his frame trembled, his hands lost their hold, and down he came like a log of wood in winter at the door of the office.

Fire and water,
Mud and mortar,
Beef and hogs! what a slaughter.
Old man, may I have your daughter

What a scrape I am in again; the most unfortunate man in the world; never went to do anything in my life but 2 was making some mistake; but I'm in for it again, and must get out the best way I can. Here came the whole village again, bellowing like so many calves in a farm-yard. In less than fifteen minutes I had a crowd at the office large enough to storm a fort, and fools sufficient to kill any man with as much sense as would go round your hat. One smart old gentleman wanted to know what I had done to the man. I told him of the old drunkard wanting soda, and that I had given him some to get him to go off.
" Pisen'd! pisen'd! " was the cry raised instanter, and off some one went to find my preceptor, or some other physician, that could tell what to do. In the excitement some person mistook pisen'd for fire, and then the tune was changed to fire fire! Everybody broke like doctors from a graveyard, as they knew I always kept a little "powder" about, that was hard to put out when once it took fire. Out they ran, and in a little less time than a merchant can tell the truth, we had a deluge of water pouring into the office. Such a rattling of tin buckets, washbowls, slop tubs, and salt barrels, has not been heard since Job killed the fat turkey."
I have often heard persons blamed for raising a false alarm of fire, but this was one time it did good.    The poor old drunkard lying there in a state of suspended animation from his long spouting spell, was aroused by the cold water. He bawled out, and wanted to know if the "second flood " was coming: being informed by many voices "no," he raised himself up about six feet high, sprung out of the door like a blue streak of lightning or "Moffat's pills" was after him, and ran home to his wife, promised her never again to trouble a medical student, signed the pledge, and has never been known to touch a drop of the " critter " since.

CHAPTER IV.
THE RESURRECTION, OR HOW TO TAKE UP A NEGRO.

TUNE-You dig and I'll watch.

If doctors go to seek a prize
Among their patients dead, They must be bold, they must be wise
To save them from an aching head; And if when they have once began
To dig and raise the sod, They must not stop, though dog and man
Should come all in a squad.
GOURDHEAD.

After the trouble with the drunkard, things went on as well as I could expect for several days, considering that I was never known to be out of some sort of a scrape for more than a few days at a time. As I was the first student the old doctor had been troubled with for some time, he was out of a skeleton. This desideratum had to be met as soon as circumstances would assist. We were not long left in want of an opportunity to obtain one. My preceptor had a patient, a negro, that had been sick for some time with a chronic disease, and who was destined to fall a prey to its influence very soon. The patient died, and amid the heartfelt sorrow of the owner for his loss, and the numerous explanations of the old doctor why the disease had terminated fatally grave with as little ceremony as is usual on such occasions. My preceptor returned home after staying with the patient until his last expiring moment, and told me that as I had just commenced the study of medicine, and would have many trying scenes to pass through before I made a doctor of myself - he wanted to see whether I would do to "tie to" or not, and said, that on the next night I must be ready to go with him to take up the negro that had died the night previous. I told him I was in, and he might depend on me as being as good as ever fluttered, and said to him, " If I grunt, make an ugly face, or turn up my smeller for the first time, you may kick me out of the office to-morrow morning, and drive me twenty feet in an ash pile, never again to rise until old 'Pidey's' horn grows off."
He remarked very calmly that as for him he was an old hand at the business, and never thought of being alarmed about trifles, any more than a Yankee does of sibling goods under first cost, or a tin peddler of passing a farm without his share of the gatherings of the long-neck squallers.
There was one part of the "undertaking" that rather puzzled us : the old doctor and I were both small, and not able to do much more hard work than a dozen Irishmen, and therefore would need some assistance. He would have to employ a man, and the difficulty was of getting a man that would not become alarmed when we most needed his assistance.
My preceptor, like every doctor, had many debts owing him by the poorer class, that he knew could never pay him, and thought that would be the best chance to get a man to assist. He put off in the " hollows " to see a man that was owing him a bill of some size, and finding him in the woods mauling rails, all in a crowd by himself, he told him if he would go and help us, he would credit his account for five dollars. The fellow was glad of such a chance to pay up, and agreed to be with us on the occasion. The hour and the place were named for us to meet.
My preceptor told me of the arrangement, and said we must hot go off together, or something might grow out of it of a serious nature; and told me at the same time of the dreadful responsibility, and that should we be caught and the law enforced, we would both go to "Jack's-house" for the term of three years.

This news played thunder with my bravery. I felt like I was fifty feet in the air and nothing to hold to; thought how the doctor and myself would employ our time in the State prison; would they let him follow his profession, and practice among the convicts, and would I roll pills o for him as usual ? How sorry my old mother would fool -and worse than all, I could not get to see my angel sweetheart any more, for she would never have me after I had been in prison. Oh ! horrid thought-why did I ever commence such a profession ? why was it I had not thought of these things before commencing? what was I to do ? do like they do over the river ? do without saying any more, or thinking of it in any way ? I eventually reconciled myself to go through it at all hazards. The night appointed arrived; eleven o'clock, and everything was still as death in that little village. I waited the moment ; I turned the key of the office and started. Going round a little string of fence at a certain post, I might have been seen, if it was daylight, but it wasn't, moping my way in the dark, hunting for a spade and an old bag, The bag was intended to put the negro in. I found them, went and saddled my horse, mounted, and soon was on my mission of grave-robbing for the first time. I went on until I arrived at the place appointed for us to meet. I then whistled, and was answered by my preceptor and his assistant. It was in a dark skirt of woods, where we could not distinguish a man from a hornet's nest, only by the "feel." We met, and then for the grave-yard; it was near the woods. In a short time we reached it; and it was then a time to talk about bravery over a dead negro. We all went walking as easy as a cat on straw, round and round the grave. I kept waiting to hear what the old doctor was going to say. I waited for some time in the greatest agony, and not a word was spoken. His bravery he had showed more before reaching the field of glory, and he had forgotten to bring it in his saddle-bags, and there he was without any. Getting tired of waiting, and finding I was more composed than he was, I said to him, " Doctor."
" Don't call my name, you fool you."
" Well, doctor," said I, " if you have come here to get up the negro, let us be at it right off.".
" Well," said the doctor," you and Dick work awhile, and I will watch."
I told him to go a piece from us and listen for the approach of danger; that he must be very much alarmed about taking up an old negro, and him dead as a forty year old trout.
I tried to appear very bold to the old doctor, but I can tell you I felt a little of the awfulest I ever had, up to that time, and had it not been I thought my preceptor was trying to scare me, I would have felt worse than a sheep in the forest at midnight. He went off a piece from us, and Dick and I commenced operations in good earnest; he digging, and me giving directions and feed-ing him occasionally on old whisky to keep up his strength and spirits. We were working away at a great rate when we were interrupted by the sudden approach of my preceptor, puffing and blowing worse than a steamboat in a fog on the Mississippi. He came up, and said that they were after us. Dick dropped the spade as quick as though it was hot; I dropped the bottle of whisky as slick as if it were an oyster or the white of an eggy and off we all went, faster than a rabbit with forty dogs after' him in an old field. We went until we reached the thick woods, and there stopped to await the result. Very soon we found it was a false alarm.
I rebuked the old doctor sharply for his chicken-heartedness, notwithstanding I felt myself as though I was not larger than a pound of soap after a hard day's washing. I told him he need not watch for us any more, as he "would do more harm than good. My apparent boldness gave him a little self confidence, and he concluded he would stay with Dick and me the rest of the time. We commenced again, and were getting on as well as a sinner at a camp-meeting, not fearing any thing or anybody. The night was fast wasting away, and we had much to do before the approach of bright morning. As our "deeds were evil," we sought darkness rather than light, and must finish before daylight. We worked rapidly and gave but little attention to surrounding object.   We had nearly secured our prize, and the doctor was getting brave again.    Dick was doing his cleanest, best, and-bim-
" Halloo ! what is the matter, Dick ? "
" I have got to the coffin," says he.
Here we were in a nice fix; we had come off from home without any thing with which we could open the coffin. The doctor became very much enraged at his own negligence, talked really loud and plain, and said he would not be disappointed in any such way. There was a rail fence about one hundred yards from where we were. He went to that and got a big rail and brought it to the grave.
" Let me get there a moment, Dick."
He took the rail, turned one end down, and in a short time he had the top of the coffin knocked in, sure enough. Then came the trial, who would go down and lay hands on the subject. The doctor said he thought he had done his part, and proposed to Dick to go down. Dick did not say much, but grunted worse than a man with the toothache going for a load of wood, turned up his nose a little like he smelt something, and thought he had worked harder than either of us. I began to get tired of hearing so much talk about a small matter, threw off my coat and went down. I was in the act of fastening, a rope round the negro's neck, by which he could be pulled out, and was congratulating myself that I should have the praise next day for my daring and fearless conduct. I fancied the skeleton hanging up in my own office ; I thought of the pleasant times the doctor and I would have in the big cave we were going to take him to; I considered the danger all over, thinking everybody was asleep at that late hour; and now for a ---- hush ! hush ! what has happened? I heard a noise in the upper world like the heaving up of a volcano. I heard the dogs barking, chickens flying from their roosts, geese running and flapping their wings equal to knocking the two ends of creation together; the cows lowing, and the sound was like the last sad sound of the hunter's horn; bushes cracking, sheep bleating, and, to cap the climax, an old owl as big as a whisky barrel, hollowing loud enough to raise tadpoles out of water. I had not time to think what was the matter before I heard my preceptor cry out, " Good God!" and away he went as fast as legs would carry him. Dick bawled louder than a two year old calf turned loose in a hailstorm, and that was the last of him too, for he was so scared that he would not have known an ox-cart from an elephant. Well, if ever I was in a real " quandary" I was then : there I was, left in the grave with none to keep me company but the dead negro, and not so much as a stick to assist me out of the grave, which was very deep. I thought I was doing my last job on earth, or rather in the earth, and that not a very desirable one, considering the consequences.
I was not long in thinking what to do. I knew if any persons were after us, that unless I got out of that place my time was up. I squatted down like a dog going to jump a fence, made one powerful exertion, and out I came slick as butter out of a hot skillet. I took to my heels as hard as I could go, not looking to see what the noise and confusion was all about. Dick and the doctor were not far ahead of me, and I soon got up with them. "We all run for life, not stopping even to see what sort of rails were on the fence, but, jumping over, or trying to, we knocked down about two hundred panels of it, making as much noise as an earthquake. The noise of the fence falling alarmed our horses, which were tied out in the woods nearby, and they commenced pulling harder than a woman that wears the breeches hold of her dear husband's nose. Their pulling, like the candy-maker's, was not in vain, and soon they broke loose, and away they went like buffaloes from a prairie on fire.
Of all the fixes that Tom Knowling and Bill Chumney ever got into since Blithersdorf had the neuralgia, we were in it then. Our horses were gone; the grave open, a hole knocked in the top of the coffin; my coat, Dick's hat, and the doctor's old saddle-bags, being close around. I thought-and then I thought I had not time to think any thing about it-and about the time I got to thinking, I thought the dogs were after us, and they were. We had got off some few hundred yards from the grave-yard when I heard the loudest, the longest, the keenest yelling of greyhounds, little fierce bob-tail curs, and bull-pups, that ever screamed this side of the Rocky Mountains. On they came, making more noise than a thousand old women at a quilting, after us. I felt most awful, but could not help laughing at Dick and the doctor. They kept trying to swallow each other to get out of the way of our pursuers, and had it not been that they commenced at the wrong end, they would have accomplished it. While they were at this, the dogs kept coming with all the speed of their feet, heads and tails.
I saw something had to be done about as quick and as slick as swallowing an oyster, and told them to hold their horns a moment and I would tell them how to do. I went a few steps and found a bending tree that I thought we could climb. I heard a loud shrill halloo in the distance, and the dogs commenced worse than ever. I just expected they would have us all for breakfast next morning. (Thought if they did, they would have as tough pulling at Dick's carcass as medical students on bull-beef at a boarding house at three dollars a week.) I spoke to my two companions and told them of the bending tree; they were as glad to hear it as a negro is at the sound of the dinner horn in cotton picking time, and came to me as soon as I named it. We all hurried up the tree, and had barely time enough to get comfortably located before the dogs came up and said good night to us, stopped, and seated themselves at the root of the tree. We looked down on them with con-tempt, until we thought probably their backers were not far off. I thought of a great many things in a short time; among other things, thought what a fool I was that I did not get sick before leaving home and stay there. This thinking then, did about as much good as rubbing your nose with a cow's horn-Very soon we discovered the source from which this human bellowing proceeded, as we could distinctly hear persons talking and encouraging the dogs. I had often heard of persons being tree'd, but this was the first time I ever saw people in good earnest " tree'd." Well, how could the persons at the house tell we were all at the grave-yard taking up the negro ? Somebody betrayed us; can 't help it now: we'll be shot out of here when daylight comes.
The owners of the dogs came up (the owners of the dead negro they were), and looked all round to see what tree the dogs were at.   The dogs commenced barking at the root of the tree we were in. There was another tree standing two or three feet from the one we were in. After looking a few moments, I heard one of the men say,
" Boys, we'll cut it down.
My old straw hat and Jack Cooper! how I felt when I heard that. I could not have felt worse on a bar of iron in the Atlantic Ocean. I now saw and soon would feel what it was to learn to be a doctor. They commenced cutting, the tree was small and it must soon fall, and then we will-will-all get knocked into eternity. What now was to be done ? If we hallooed it would only make it worse; they would kill us anyhow: we must all die when the tree falls. I heard Dick making his last compliments to his Maker.    He said: -
" My old providence in heaven and earth, I am come to it now; have mercy on me, for you know I stole Gills' meat, and he starved. I won't do so no more if I die. Take care of Polly and the children, and don't let them work old Paddy in the slide agin. And oh ! how sorry I am I did n't stay at home, and-and-farewell-oh! here I go-oh !"
And down came the tree, but it was the one standing near to us. As the tree struck the ground they set up an unmerciful yelling, dogs, men, and all together-and what do you think it was about ? it was an old fool coon that happened to be in the tree resting himself. The dogs bounced on him like a duck on a June-bug, and used him up in a short while. The men boasted of their dogs for a short time, how they went out at night without anybody with them, and tree'd a big old coon worth two bits in old whisky the next "muster" they had in town, and put off home. How good we all felt. After they got out of hearing, Dick let off his breath like he had n't breathed for two hours, and said he felt very thankful to me for naming to them of the tree. We all slid off that tree like terrapins of a hot day, and it was only two hours to day. I told them, when we commenced anything we must go through it. We went back to our work, and without much more trouble we got up the negro and carried him to a cave, a short distance off in the side of a hill, covered him up safe, and started home to see what had become of our horses. We found o thorn safe at home, and by the time we got all things to rights it was day. My preceptor never boasted any more about his spunk. Dick said he would n't be a doctor for the world, and I said but little, knowing I had rather slashed the old doctor on the first heat.
Hold on- hand me a fly with a little wanillifidity on it: hush your gab and take that worm out of your mouth!   Here we will go to dinner.

CHAPTER V.
BUSTING A DOG AND CARVING A TURKEY.

AIR-Pidey died with the hollow horn.

Dogs are useful animals
If they are kept at home,
But worse than any cannibals
When in doctor's shop they roam;
And turkeys are the finest dish
While they are young and tender-
But if they 're tough, I never wish
Myself to act as carver,
SHITEPOKE.

WELL, now I have recovered from negro-stealing and loss of sleep, and will endeavor to give you a little more of my experience in life. After attending the big cave every night for two weeks (where I had been dissecting the negro), I again commenced studying regularly. I was not long left at ease, and in a situation to enjoy my reading. A strange circumstance took place at the office; I began to think I was haunted; I felt extremely uncomfortable. There was a large dog in the village belonging to a gentleman of the highest respectability. I am constrained to say this from the fact that I loved his daughter about as hard as a mule could kick in a "yellow-jacket's" nest. I was a frequent visitor at his house, and the family seemed to think me quite deserving, for they never said any thing about me but in terms of highest praise. I bad often noticed the dog, but did not see that there was any thing peculiar about Him. When I first commenced visiting the family, the dog tried, on several occasions, to " insert a tooth " for me, but my visits becoming more and more frequent, he found it troublesome, gave it up as a bad job, and became very familiar with me. I had been visiting the family, or rather Miss Mollie, for I cared but little for any of them but her, for some time. From some cause, I can't tell what, the dog commenced returning my calls, and he came to see me as regular as the sun rises. I began to feel rather bored with such a customer; not that I entertained any unpleasant feelings toward the dog, but it was something so unusual, so much out of the ordinary habits of the animal. He would not go to any other place, from home, and would not come to the office only at that particular time, which was just after sunset. I was getting on the superstitious order, though I was no believer in "ghosts." Every little boy in the place was annoying me about being so intimate with Colonel Tilford's family. "Even," said they, "old Cuff comes to the office every day to see you." Then the old women got hold of it, and it had as well been in the papers : and, to make it still more desirable, the negroes got to putting their clap-boards of locomotion in use on the subject, I was mad, I was sad, I was teased, I was greased, and squeezed about the affair until I got as mad as Davy Crockett and the bear in the hollow tree. I knew as well as I was a rogue that it would not do for me to make any public demonstration of my displeasure, for that would only make things worse.   I was careful not to let any one know that I felt a little "haunted," as that would, perhaps, lead to suspicion that I had been doing some-thing wrong. I therefore determined to get rid of the dog, whether it was ghost or no ghost; for unless I did. my studies would be knocked into a candlestick without wick or tallow. You need not be thinking any such thing; I didn't intend to poison him: I was too high-minded for that.
I concluded, as a first resort, to give the dog a good thrashing, and thought, perhaps, that would give him the hint that his company was not desirable. I procured me a long beech limb, large enough to drive oxen with, and had it ready by the time he would come the next evening.
As faithful as ever, about half way between sunset and dark, while everybody was at supper, and the others doing something else, here he came, walked into the office with as much authority as a big bob-tail rooster into a hen house, and commenced going round and snuffing like he smelt something.    I said to him-
" My old fellow, I'll give you particular thunder one time, and then, perhaps, you will stay out of here ; I'll not have everybody talking about you running after me like we were some kin."
I took the precaution to close doors on him, got my beech limb and commenced on him. " Well, please to clear the dishes off, will you ? "
If ever a man was deceived in this life, I was that time. The old dog, instead of rearing and charging like a little ram at' a gate-post, to get out, told me in language that could not be misunderstood, that it was a two-handed game. He gave one hoarse growl, and made at me like a tiger.   I saw I was in for a bad scrape; turned round as quick as I could, thinking if I would open the door he would go out and say nothing more about it. As I turned he made a grab at me, and caught me about six inches below the middle of the bad*. He jerked me down aa slick as you could swallow castor oil before breakfast. He commenced on me in reality, and I thought that I was to die one of the most undesirable deaths that ever came along. He held on to his hold and shook my two extremities together as easy as if I had been a snake. I thought of hollowing, but then I knew that would not do, the beater beat. I finally concluded to send him a flag of truce: I'did so by saying to him, "Cuff, Cuff," and whis-tling to him. It had the desired effect; he dropped me like a hot potato, to see who was calling him, and I opened the door that he might cool down a little. He went-out after staying as long as he wanted to.
Now wasn't I mad ? I thought of every means to retaliate ; I walked in every direction, knocked my head against the wall, threw off my coat, rolled up my sleeves, and then, in the absence of something better to do or do with, I fell down, rolled over fasten than an old log in high water, and bleated equal to a billy-goat at a corn-pile. I found such snorting and prancing would never kill the dog, and as I was determined on his life, I cooled off and commenced thinking. I could not stomach the thought of poisoning him, it looked so much like negro revenge. What was I to do ? I knew it would not pay well to shoot him; I. was unwilling to try my knife on him, lest he should apply the scarificator to my sternum again. There I stood, looking kin to a fool at a bran-dance ; but you know I soon start something important when I get to thinking right hard.   My thoughts had availed me much in equally as tight places, and I was certain they would come to my rescue now. In a little less than no time I "had it." Ah! revenge, 'tis sweet. I'll show you, my old dog, how to growl.
I was certain that dogs would eat meat when they could get it. I resolved on trying another experiment, to" see who would come off conqueror. I procured some pieces of raw beef, spunk, and half a pound of gun* powder. About the time I thought he would pay his evening visit, I got all my things ready. The pieces of beef had been selected for the purpose, and they were in hunks as big as a miser's heart. I had five or six of those pieces. I cut into the beef and hollowed it out, each piece, so that it would hold near an ounce of powder After having them all charged with powder, I got the spunk and prepared a piece of it for each of the beef, by cutting into the middle, touching it with a small piece of fire, and then sealing it with a wafer. This being put with the powder, and a string tied fast round the beef, I threw them to the dog, and, as I had expected, he swallowed them without chewing. I soon had five ounces of powder "safely" lodged in his gastric cavity, and he wagged his tail for more, like he thought I was a great friend of his. I told him he could n't come it, and ordered him out. He did not seem disposed to go, and I began to fear the fire and powder would grow warm in their digestive movements. I had rather been caught stealing watermelons, than for the powder to have taken fire while the dog was in the office.
When driven to it we can do many things, and I knew one of us had to be out of there pretty soon, or I would be in as bad a fix as the dog.   I started out in as great a hurry as a man with diarrhoea. As I went out I saw a bucket of water, and in a moment I recollected that dogs were as fond of water as doctors of poor patients. I took up the bucket and threw the contents on the dog. He shot like an arrow out of the back door, and then, as I must see the fun out, I shut up the doors and started to supper.
I think it was the best time for a little amusement of this kind that ever happened. The inhabitants of the little village were all standing on the sidewalk talking very busily just after sunset, on a beautiful day in fall. As I got out the front door I saw the dog some few steps from me, trotting along as big as an Irishman with a jug of whisky on Saint Patrick's day. He went a few steps further and belched forth. It was rich! it was. I never have witnessed any thing more interesting for the same length of time. It roared louder than old Bill Saddler blasting rock for bee-hives on Sunday. Such another noise had not been heard in that place since everybody collected together to see me "start off of the right foot. The whole village was soon on the spot, except myself. I thought that 1 had better stay away for a while, to avoid any suspicions resting on me about killing the old man's dog. I went in and got my supper and could stand it no longer, but put off to see "What was the matter." I went up, and there was a sight for a man that had recently taken his supper. The good people were standing about in perfect amazement, none daring to go nearer than ten or fifteen feet of the remains of the dog. The animal had been torn asunder, and no mistake, and his quarters were thrown in as many different directions as a Yankee has ways to make a living.   Next evening the dog came to see me, he didn't. Then came the tug! who did it ? Well, there was no proof; but there was no one in the village that had aught against the dog but me, and I therefore had to labor under the suspicion of killing old "Cuff."
Now for another scrape! I had not thought of the importance of the affair. I was awfully in love with the old man's daughter, as I said before. I expected nothing else but a blow up of my expected happiness. Ah! yes, I was soon to be driven from that angel's presence, that I had loved as my own soul; no more was I to bask in her sweet smiles; no more to kiss those precious lips. We were plighted to marry at the end of my studies. (Two years.) We could afford to wait that long, as we , were both young. But now farewell to every hope of such happiness; it was gone forever. I resolved on seeing her at all hazards, one time more. I did not wait long, fearing the excitement would get " no better fast." The next evening I went as usual to see Miss Mollie. I expected to get my walking papers about killing old "Cuff;" the whole family thought he was a great dog. I went in, and immediately I saw a change; they all looked as sweet as rye biscuit at me ; Miss Mollie did look a little more natural than any of them, but even she did not look right straight at me. The first thing to be talked about was the departed dog. I made very strange of it, and said any man who would be guilty of such a thing was a low-bred, mean scoundrel. I saw it wouldn't take, and as soon as possible changed the subject to one more agreeable. I never experienced such feelings in all my life. To think of being ruined about blowing up a dog, was intolerable.    I tried to talk; my mouth wouldn't go off. I saw at once I was only treated with the civility that I was, for some sinister mo-tive. I made rather a short stay of it, and on my departure was greatly surprised to receive an invitation to a " little gathering " they were going to have next evening I felt a little easier after this, but still feared something was going to be done to me. I could almost always tell when a storm was rising over my head, by my feelings. I thought I would go, and if any thing went wrong I would be in for another buster. My dander was up as big as an elephant, and, reader, I will make you think so before I am done, mind if I don't.
Well, the time appointed drove round and told me to get in: I did so, and found a dozen or two of the best looking young folks in our place, seated round, talking and laughing like something was to come off soon, and thinks I, it is all to be at my expense, and then won't it be awful before such a crowd to be exposed and lose dear Mollie too. I didn't feel much like talking under such liabilities, but I was thinking about as hard as ever you saw a man in all creation. While I was thinking at such a rate, the old lady and gentleman came in, and explained the object of the meeting by asking us in to supper. We all walked in, and I saw what they were "up to." The old lady politely requested that I would "cut up" the turkey. I told her I was a poor hand, but was willing to do the best I could. I had never carved a turkey in my life, and knew about as much of the science as I did of the French language, but saw there was no getting out of it, and pitched at the old fellow like lawyers at a large estate.
Oh, will you just kick me off my moral subsistinance ?

Of all the turkies that ever yelped on chestnut ridges, this beat them. It must have been the gobbler that Noah turned loose. And then the knife-it was dull enough to go to mill on. There I was, doing nothing as fast as you could 'drink whisky, and everybody waiting to try their teeth on the " herbiferous." I had hold of his hind leg above the knee with one hand, and the knife in the other. I found that I had as well try to drink the Mississippi dry as to cut that tough old gobbler. I was getting red in the face; I was panting for breath; the whole crowd laughing at me ; I began to throw aside modesty and take up a little of something more profitable; bravery. I was as mad as a Jew when he gets the price for an article that he first asked. I would die rather than be beat. I cooled down a little. I held on to my hold as I quietly commenced pulling the old trotter off of the dish-still I sawed away-I got him on the floor-I kept sawing until I got him on the floor-here I did not stop either- 1 hauled him to the door - made him give one good "cute," with my assistance-and then taking my foot instead of my hand I kicked him twenty feet into the yard.
"Madam, will you please to kill your turkey before bringing him on the table, when you ask me to combat one again ? " Great was the consteration when the old gobbler made his exit. The old gentleman raised up, and made at me with the vengeance of a maniac. I did not want to hurt him, and concluded the best policy would be to leave while my credit was up. I broke for my hat, which was on the other side of the table-I grabbed it, and at the same time started out at the back door. As I stooped to get my hat, one of my coat buttons caught in a hole in the table-cloth, and off came the old lady's "China," with the crash of a falling temple. The old man, forgetting himself for a moment, called old "Cuff" to catch me; but I had no fears of Cuff" then, he had gone where all the "good dogs" go. It is unnecessary to say that this broke up my love scrape with a rush.
" Yonder sits a wild goose on that tree,
I look at him and he look at me ;
I cocked my gun, he saw me raise it,
He owes me a debt, I know he'll not pay it."

But never mind, old "Rackensack " is never behind, only when he aint before.
Three sticks of cough candy, one wooden nutmeg, and a cow's heel - Farewell! May you never know one sorrow, may your life be one of uninterrupted happiness, and may your heart never throb but with feel-ings of tender emotion. The cloud is lowering over me; I'll tell you about it to-morrow.

CHAPTER VI.
THE WAY TO KEEP FOLKS FROM MARRYING.

AIR- I'll hang my nose on a forked stick.

How sweet to love when loved again;
How bad it is to suffer pain;
How happy are we to win a heart;
How bad it is with it to part.
How bright the night on which they met;
How soon they found a room to let;
How rich would been the bridal ring;
How they would envy prince and king.
SHAKESRAG.

I did not call on Miss Mollie again for some time, Hoping the affair would cool down a little, and rested well contented until a report was out that she had a new suitor, and people said that she leaned up to him like a sick kitten to a hot rock, as though she had never cared any thing for me
It looked hard to a man up a tree, but I consoled myself by recollecting that I knew where the sweetest spot on her face was on her little pouting lips, I had kissed them often. But this consolation did not last long, for very soon it was, rumored in town that Mollie was going to marry him. I grunted mightily, but said nothing. I felt a great rising up and sinking down sensation under my short ribs. I saw every hope vanish. I saw I had to haul to. Yes, farewell, Mollie, I have loved thee too true; but for my foolishness you might have been the one with whom I could have lived-with whom I could have been the happiest of beings/ But now the dream is sadly o'er -it is too late-and, down I fell on the bed, and the tears ran out of me like a shower-bath. What shall I do? It is useless to think any more about it now, but 1 will be revenged yet.
The night was set; preparations were making for a grand festival; and sad, sad the thought that I was to become the object of scorn and ridicule, without being able to retaliate. A short time's reflection opened a way by which I could wreak my vengeance on the heads of my persecutors. Only two days more, and then Miss Mollie was Miss Mollie no more, but Mrs. Koot. Ah! my young man, I'll Koot you, though in doing it I run the risk of inflicting an injury on her who has been the object of my heart's earliest and dearest affections.
Nearly every person in the village was invited, except myself; this I did not expect, or even wish for; I had as much to do that night as I could well attend to. An hour or two before the nuptials were to be served up, I might or may not have been seen sloping off to the woods in search of something. What do you think it was ? A limb to hang myself to? No, that wasn't it; all but that It was something that hangs on trees, but it don't grow there; something bigger than a common sized dog's head, but it wasn't that neither. I had seen it hanging to that tree a long time: it was made of a very frail material, collected from fence rails, house tops, &c.; very tender, but strong enough to protect the inmates of a stormy night and cold days; and stout enough to keep them safely housed when you stop the inlet and outlet. I went up carefully and found it as it was when I last saw it; it was hanging to a limb that was near the ground, so I could reach it without any trouble. I had some wads of paper for the purpose of stopping the entrance, and, seeing they were all in, I stopped up the mouth, took out my knife, and soon had all things ready for returning to the scene of action.
I got back to the office in good time; it was getting dark, too much so for any one to notice me with my knapsack. A few minutes and the marriage is to take place. Ah! if it does, it will be at the expense of a good share of suffering to all present.
While I was summing up the cost and the probable result of my intentions, an old negro belonging to the father of Miss Mollie, came by the door of the office. I was standing .waiting for the moment to arrive when I should put my plans in execution. Says he to me-
" Wy massa, haint you going to de weddin' at our house ? "
" No, Jerry; your old master don't like me, and has not invited me."
u Well, massa, I tells you one ting wat dis nigga knows. Miss Moll don't like dat Koot, but ole massa say she shall hab 'im, cause he no want you to get hey."
" Ah! well, Jerry, I can't help it; go on home."
I should have liked very much to talk to Jerry more on the subject, but knew that time was precious at that moment. Now that Jerry was gone, my feelings were ", horrid in the extreme. I now saw what a game had been played off on me. Mollie, dearest Mollie, she loved me still, and oh! how cruel I had been not to seek an interview with her after my difficulties at her father's - but now the time is past-gone forever. In this state of ex-citement I shut up my door, took up the bundle, and started to carry out my revenge. I got to the back door just as these words were spoken by the Squire-
"If any person or persons present has just cause why this man and this woman should not be joined in the holy bands of matrimony, let them now speak, or forever after hold their peace."
It seemed as if there was an unusual pause after the words were spoken, and now, I thought, was my time to speak in tones of thunder. I pulled out the pieces of paper, and, as I did so, put the mouth of one of the biggest hornet's nests in a crack under the door, that ever you imagined. The little creatures poured out like bees swarming. After I thought they were nearly all out, I grabbed the mouth again, and started for the office with all the power in me. I got in and soon put fire to the hornet's nest.
The office was very close to the old man's house. I went up stairs to see what effect these little insects would have on matrimony or its intention. I had not reached the top of the stairs before I heard some of the most heartrending screams, the keenest shrieks, the loudest groans, that ever fell on mortal ear. The house was crowded with old men and young men, old women and young women, boys, girls, and little children in great abundance. No sooner had the hornets been turned loose than they commenced a regular war on every person in the house. The first one to be assaulted was the old Squire A whaling big old fellow the size of a bumblebee hauled away and let him have it between the eyes; and still better, Mr. Koot's nose, being the most prominent part about him, except his organ for stealing, was run into worse than a snagged steamboat, and they did not content themselves with his nose, but poked it to every available spot about him. As you might imagine, this soon scattered the crowd, and in time too to save my own dear Mollie from an alliance with that baboon, Koot. There was not another word said after asking if there was any objection to the union, for the end of that pause found the hornets playing old Harry with their fair faces. They ran out as if the Devil himself was after them. They knocked down the fences, run over wood-piles, and cut more didoes than a monkey in hot water. They roared like lions, screamed like panthers, yelled worse than Indians, and jumped higher than negroes at a camp-meeting. I enjoyed it, I did. One thing strange there was, in the rounds, Miss Mollie did not receive the first injury. After the hornets doing so much in the way of stinging, there could be nothing more done that night. They concluded to put it off until another night; in fact I don't think the Squire or Mr. Koot could have stood still long enough to say two words. The old lady and gentleman were in equally as bad a fix, as well as many others that were present. Violent inflammation set in, and before morning my preceptor was called to see some twenty of them, and I believe Koot was about as bad as any in the mess.
Fire and tow, here below-
Ah! fool, look out-I told you so:
Go home and see your mammy, O!
And she'll learn you how to "skin a tater," or bring a basket of chips to make the soap bile

CHAPTER VII.
A DEATH-BED SCENE.

AIR - O, leave me to my sorrow.

A hope has lighted up my path
Of happiness in future,
And now, amid the threats and wrath,
My plans at last will conquer;
Hark! the cloud in darkness rises
To burst when o'er my head,
And hope as quickly vanishes,
As I look upon the dead.
MYSELF.

THE wedding of Miss Mollie and Koot was postponed a few days, and I thought I would make one effort to see her again or write to her before another attempt was made, as they would no doubt be on the lookout for intruders. Whether they thought it was me that played the trick on them or not, I am not able to say, but they said nothing to that effect that I ever heard of. There was another heart beside my own, that thrilled with joy, on account of the failure described in the last chapter; it was Miss Mollie. Yes, she would have been willing to suffer more than all the persons present did to escape such a sacrifice, for she hated Koot worse than any man on earth; she told him she did not love him, and never could.   He saw, though, that her parents would do any thing to prevent her from marrying me. I was studying what course to pursue next morning, and picked up ray book as usual, and started off to a beautiful woods near the village. I was in the habit of going there every day to study. It was a thick grove of trees between two little hills, and a fine place for study and retirement. I went and sat down on that same old log that had been my seat before, but there was no such thing as studying that morning. I was thinking of the past, present, and future: I blamed myself for my many foolish acts. I could think of no way by which I could ever again speak to her that I loved with all the affection of my youthful heart. I was miserable ; my thoughts availed me nothing: my young heart could bear it no longer, I burst into tears. Ah! yes, well do I remember the feelings to-day, as my fragile form gently sank beneath the weight, and I let myself to the ground. My head was resting on the log with my hand-kerchief over my face; I was in the deepest agony-but list! I hear a sound- I look up, I wipe away my tears, and what do I see? Is it an angel from the realms of bliss above coming to console me? Do my eyes deceive me? No, it must be her. Yes, it is the object of all my thoughts. She approached me. I arose from my situation on the ground and sat upon the log. My heart was beating convulsively.    She came up and said to me,
"Why do you thus weep?"
"Ah! Miss Mollie, would that I might say dear Mollie, as once I did, but now I dare not: I have cause to weep: the thought that a few days more and then I must abandon every hope of receiving the sweet smiles of the one that is now before me; the one I love, the one to whom I plighted my affections, is sufficient cause-"
"Dear Doc, don't speak thus, you will break my heart. Do you not know that I saw you leave the office, and thinking you were coming here, I have come to let you know that Mollie loves you yet, and is still willing to be yours, notwithstanding that last night I came near making myself miserable for life, and but for the circum stances that occurred I would have been consigned to a life of wretchedness. My parents have tried to make me marry that unfeeling villain ; but now, dear Doc, it is with you to save me from impending danger. Can you still love your own dear Mollie? will you stand by her when persecution arises? will
"Come to my arms, my sweet girl; though they be weak, I promise you that by them the mighty shall fall, ere they tear thee from my bosom."
She leaned fondly on me as I imprinted a kiss on her sweet lips. Again she was mine, and mine forever. She said she must hurry back, and what arrangements we had to make, must be done quick. I told her to hold out faithful, and I was ever ready to stand by her. We made arrangements to meet often at the same place, and, after pledging everlasting fidelity to each other, she left.
After she was gone, my poor heart was at ease.
In ten or twelve days after this, her parents told her that the wedding must come off. Now came the trying point, the one that would test her love. It was soon decided. She let all things go on, all arrangements be made as before, told me in the mean time, though, what she intended doing. The night arrived, and all things seemed fast coming to a close.   They were again on the floor, the ceremony proceeded until it came to the part, "Will you take this man to be your lawful husband, &c.?"   When she loosed her arm from his, and said:
"No, I never will. I am pledged to another, and I never agreed to marry this man. I was tried to be forced to marry him, but now say in the presence of these witnesses, I never will marry him?9
There was great excitement for awhile about it, but finding she would not agree to marry him on any terms, they gave it up. She would not see him again that night after leaving the room. Her parents made use of every means to keep her and I from meeting: we met a few times at the same romantic spot in the woods, but her parents finding that out, it was put a stop to; we passed notes and sweet smiles at each other for a time: this too was detected and prohibited, and soon her parental home was nothing more than a prison to her. Ah, cruel, cruel parents, that could thus trifle with jour child's happiness ! You know not what you do; you, ere long, will weep over your barbarous triumph. Yes, could it be otherwise? In a short time those rosy cheeks were growing pale, those eyes so bright were soon dimmed by sorrow. It passed unnoticed by her parents, who, seeking nothing else but their own end to accomplish, let her suffer uncared for until this dear creature was prostrated on a bed of languishing and affliction with cheeks burning with fever. They were at last alarmed, and tried to restore her by kinder treatment; but ah, the time had passed. The trouble of mind contributed something, in fact was the exciting cause, of her disease; but she would one day have fallen a victim to the disease, which was consumption.   She thought, though, that it was altogether the treatment her parents had exercised toward her that caused her sickness, not knowing that she was pre-disposed to consumption. Medical aid was procured; she was treated a short time by another physician, liv-ing in the village, but all to no purpose. My preceptor was then called in consultation; he told her parents she must go in a short time, that nothing could be done for her. As he was going out of the door, my preceptor was told that the young lady wanted to see him alone.    He went in, and she said to him-
"Doctor, I feel that I am only going to live a few days ; do not deceive me : what do you think of me?"
He told her candidly that he did not think himself that she could.
"Well, then, will you tell Pa and Ma to come here?"
He called them; they came in, and then she talked to them, for the first time, about dying. She said-
"My dear parents - you have made my life a misery to me; deprived me of the society of one that you knew I loved ; brought me now near the grave, and the doc-tor says I can't live many days: will you grant me one request, that I may see Mr. Rattlehead to-day, and every day that I have to live?   He loves me; may I see him?"
Those parents, who before had refused her almost every request, told her to ask for any thing and it should be granted. How strange that parents will sometimes treat their children so cruel, and yet love them. They do not remember that their children have tender feelings, like they once had themselves. She told the doctor to tell me to come over and see her, that her parents were willing. He came to the office and told me. It was the most welcome news that ever greeted my ear.

I went, and oh, what a scene! to see her who, a few weeks before, was a paragon of beauty, now reduced to a shadow. But though she was so feeble, her voice was good, her love was steadfast, her heart was true. I had hardly crossed the threshold of her father's dwelling, when Miss Mollie, poor creature, raised up in her bed and said:- My dear Doc, do I see you once more?"I went to her; I pressed her to my heart; I kissed her pale lips; she again laid down. May God forbid that any of those who may read these pages should ever have to know, by sad experience, my feelings at that moment. I was allowed to visit her until she died, which was ten days after I first saw her. The time is past-the scene is o'er : but it will never be forgotten. She died resting on my arm ; she died happy. She's gone to rest in heaven.

Farewell, dear Mollie, I see thee no more,
Thy trouble and sufferings are now at an end;
You're gone to reap your reward in store,
BUT you have left to weep a faithful friend.
Years have past since the last fond look

I took of thee, thou sweetest of beings ;
Thou art lying near the murmuring brook
On which we met in by-gone days.
Often memory will bring back
A thought of where you now repose,
And oh ! how sweet't will be to think
Thy soul no sorrow knows.
Farewell to the spot, its 'a long since faded
From my vision, then so bright,
But will be cherished and regarded
With remembrance never dying.

CHAPTER VIII.
A NEW PLAN FOR CATCHING A ROGUE

AIR-Good-by, you've broke my head.

When winter comes with chilling frost
We know the summer's gone,
And quick to work,
no time is lost,
We gather in our corn:
But something else we know we want,
Besides this common food,
Houses tight to keep us in,
And good supply of wood.
CORKSCREW.

As may well be supposed, after passing through so many sore trials, I could not study much for several days. The thought, though, that Miss Mollie loved me to the last expiring moment, and that she had escaped a life of misery, by not marrying a man she could not love, was one consoling thought that made me better prepared to stand the shock. I knew that she was happy. I knew that weeping for her would not bring her back, would not make me any more happy in future. Before long I recovered from the effects of it, and commenced studying again.
It was now getting cold weather, and I confined myself to the office very closely. I had a fine lot of wood laid up for the winter, and thought now that my life would be a comparatively smooth one to what it had been for a few months past. I had no more love-scrapes, no more "negro stealing," nothing now to interrupt me. I was imbibing knowledge very last, comfortably seated by a good wood fire from early morn until late at night. I had but little to say to any person but my preceptor. I often felt gloomy and sad in reflecting over the many unpleasant scenes of the past, the solitude of the present, and fears of the future. Notwithstanding my retired life it was not so much so but that I could discover any injury or injustice done me from any source whatever. I observed that my stock of wood which I had thought quite ample for the season, was fast melting away. I thought I was not extravagant in the use of it myself; could it be that any person in the village was so friendly with me as to "take a little "of a cold morning before I got out of bed? I did not know of any one so remarkably intimate with me as that, but the fact was, the wood was going too fast, and I was determined to see how it was. I had some pieces cut of a suitable length for putting on the fire, and left them outside of the door. Next morning the wood was gone. I tried the experiment the second time; the result was the same. I had now fairly tested the matter, and found that some person was toating it off: but now who did it, was the question, and how was I to find it out; and more important still, how to put a stop to it. It was too cold to stand out and watch, and besides that, I had something else to do, and no time to spare, i wanted to put a stop to such an infringement on my rights; how was I to do it? I was puzzled no little about it, but finally a plan occurred to me that I thought would meet the exigencies of the case There were some knotty old beeches that were hard to split, and not very valuable, that I had cut of the usual length for pitting on the fire, took them into the office and bored two or three holes in each piece with an auger, about halfway through them. I then took some gun-powder, filled the holes half full of it, then fitted tight wooden pins to put into them, making a small groove on the side of the pins, by which I could fix a match, the external part to be filled with cotton, wadded in to prevent the powder from running out until the wood was on the fire. I put these out at the back door, as previously. I did not sit up very late that night, but retired to bed, hoping that before another sun should rise I should be waked up by the sound of "gunpowder on fire in a tight place."
I was resting from the labors of the day, and dreaming very interestingly on some medical subject, when I was awakened by the sound of something in the upper part of the village. There was more than half a dozen slap-bangs-roaring like fifty-sixes well charged. I got up as easy as I could and went to the window to see if I could tell any thing of where it was. I heard a mighty noise like people running, brush cracking, children crying, men groaning, women screaming, horses neighing and running in every direction. Such a noise could not fail to arouse the good people of that quiet little place from their lethargy. I concluded to be in the fashion, and got up too, to see what was the consequence, I began to fear that I had done a horrid deed for the sake of saving a little wood; but no time to think of that part of the job now it was done. I dressed myself as soon as 1 could, and went up to behold the effect of wood-stealing.

Reader, were you ever present when a steamboat exploded, or a steam-car ran off the track down a big bluff? If so, you can form some idea of what a picture presented itself when I went up. It was something remarkable that, on that very night there was a little "coming together" of some of the young people of the village, to have a bit of fun in the way of dancing, playing, &c. It is now long since the circumstance I am giving you an account of occurred, but I almost shrink from the task as I attempt to pen it for your reading to-day; such an impression was there made on me at that moment. I almost repented that I had acted so harshly for such a trivial cause, but I recollected it was my lot always to be in scrapes, and was reconciling it to my own feelings the best I could. I felt pretty safe as regarded the law, for they would not dare to speak of it even, or censure me in any way.
Well, I must get through with this. I am taking up time and space telling you of my feelings, and have neg-lected to finish the history of the case. As I said, I went in and found many persons there besides those that were invited to the party. The noise had awakened many "that slept," and they came to see what was on hand. Where do you suppose this party and my wood was at, and who was there? It was at the house of one Mr. Koot. "It wasn't anywhere else." You recollect Koot, don't you? Yes, my rival. I thought you did. I'll tell you all how it happened.
You see this Koot and I didn't like one another better than a dog likes hickory, any way, and he thought, to vex 'me a little, he would steal my wood; and, still more to wound my pride, his father gave a little party to his particular friends, and left my friends and me with "the bag to hold."(Very glad he did.) When they all got in a good way, John Koot, the young man, sent or come himself, I don't care which, all the same, you know- and waged off my wood, all ready for putting on the fire-quite convenient, you see, (all bored and full of powder, if he 'd known it,) and carried it up and laid it on the fire-cold night, very good thing in its place. All was proceeding well, and doubtless they were exulting over me, when one of Amos Jackson's baby-wakers burst loose in all its power. It told a tale of bloodshed and broken noses never to be forgotten. I went in, and as bad as I was at tricks, I felt greatly mortified that 1 had done as I did. It had played dreadful havoc indeed. The old man Koot, poor fellow, was the first I observed A piece of the log had struck him just above the knee his leg was badly bruised and torn, and was bleeding like a spring sprout. Young Koot-unhappy man, I feel for you to this day -had the worst injury of any one in the room. His skull was badly fractured, and he was lying on the floor perfectly senseless, and the blood gushing from the wound in torrents. The old lady, Mrs. Koot, happened to be in another room, and was not hurt. Miss Koot, though she was as ugly as a mud fence, I could but feel sorry for her. Her arm was fractured above the wrist. Many others were injured slightly, such as broken noses, splinters of wood in the back, and other things too tedious to mention.
Mercy save us ! the old woman was making more noise than I ever heard proceed from mortal lips. She out-squalled an Indian, knocked her hands together worse than a rattle-trap, jumped higher than a dog in an oat patch, shook like an earthquake, fell up and got down faster than a fool on ice, and made more motions than a calf choked with a hemp rope three feet down its throat.
Medical aid was procured as soon as possible, and as there was no other physician to be found in the place but my preceptor, he was called. It was a fine job for him, and I too, as I assisted in dressing the wounded; and before day we had them all in as good condition as could be expected. Young Koot had a dangerous frac-ture ; we took out a piece of the bone, which soon re-stored him to consciousness, and eventually he recov-ered; in fact they all got well without any trouble, except paying the doctor-bill. It was a profitable job for my preceptor; he got a very decent sum for his ser-vices. As I had prognosticated, there was no fuss made about the affair in any way by the Koot family; it was too plain they had been stealing wood.
In a short time after this, the family, all in a lump by themselves, picked up their duds and left our parts- and have not been heard of since; and if this little vol-ume should ever fall into their hands, or their hands should ever fall on this volume, I hope they will pardon me for naming the circumstances. I have started out to give my readers my life a little in detail, and could not do justice to them and leave it out of my book. I did not lose any more wood that winter, I didn't. In conclusion, let me say to those that lose wood, "Go and do likewise."

CHAPTER IX.
BLOODSHED AND HYSTERICS.

AIR - Here blood as free as water flows.

A lady and daughter one morn did come
A distance of three miles from home;
It was to see an older doc. than I
A string around their arm to tie.
"Madam, him you can not find,
But I am here to treat you kind."
"Mother, now let him pierce my vein,
And that will take away my pain."
SALLY HOOKER.

THUS ended my difficulties for awhile. I found that unless I quit such tricks as I had been at all my life, I would kill somebody, and I did not want to do that; I had been in scrapes enough; I had become tired of it.
I had been reading for some time without any trouble with mankind and human beings in general, and considered quite a change had come over the "spirit of my dreams." Actuated by these feelings, I thought it high time that I was doing something to make people believe I was learning to be a doctor. There were many chronic cases that came to the office to be prescribed for. So, not to put the doctor to so much trouble going to see them-and many of them I knew were not dangerous - why can't I try my luck on them? I can do as well perhaps, as the old doctor in many of those cases.
One morning an old lady and her daughter called at the office to be bled. Many persons in that part of the country were in the habit of being bled once a year; it was an old custom, and it is a vulgar notion, I have been informed, of many persons, even to this day, in, the highest circles of society. My preceptor was out, visiting some patients. The old lady, after telling me the object of her visit, asked where the old doctor was. I informed her that he was absent, and would not return' for some hours; but, says I, if you only want to be bled, I can do that for you as well as the old doctor or anybody else.
"You look like bleeding any one, don't you? You don't know enough to bleed my old bay mare that's with colt in the rye-patch."
"Oh hush, ma'am,"says the young lady; "I reckon young doctors has got some sense as well as old ones."
"Well, I s'poses you think so," replied the old lady.
"Yes, I am willing to let him try on me, if he has ever bled anybody before-have you ever done the like?"
"Madam, if I have bled one person, I have bled a thousand; besides, I have been in this office more than a year hard at study, reading medical books, and im-proving every day."
"Oh, well, Sally, do as you please. I believe you like the young men best, anyhow."
By thus evading the question, I soon had a case. I got out my lancet that the old doc had given me, and flourished it round in a wise manner, like I had bled somebody before: well, I had, but not with the lancet exactly.- remarking at the same time that bleeding was a small affair. Bandage, bowl, staff, &c, all being ready, I laid hold of as fat and plump an arm as ever hung from the body of a damsel since Adam. I took up the bandage to cord her arm, and not knowing any thing about how tight it should be, drew it round like a bear hugging a dog-so close it couldn't breathe.
"Oh! mercy help me, you will cut off my arm, doctor."
"Not by any means, my dear lady; I was just trying to see how tight you could bear it; some persons, you know, must have a bandage much tighter than others ; I suppose you must be a little on the nervous order."
This the old lady objected to, saying that "Sally had never been 'sterical in her life."
I had to ease her mind on that point before proceed-ing further, and this I did by telling her that I meant nothing about hysterics; I meant that her daughter's sensitiveness only proved that she was more refined in her feelings than most of ladies.
"I thought so; she 's a very smart girl, doctor."
I relaxed the bandage a little, and now for the worst part of it. I was scared awful, but I was in for a trial when I made a lick at the arm with the lancet, and happened to strike the vein. The blood run quite free, and the old lady was praising me my skill, for such a short study, until I concluded Sally had had enough. I loosed the bandage, and not knowing more about the process, I was standing there thinking how to stop the blood. The young lady was still bleeding as fast as ever, from the fact that she let her hand and arm swing down for the blood to run off of her fingers instead of on her dress. The old lady was getting alarmed for her daughter's safety. Sally commenced crying; still the blood run. The old lady, not knowing what else to do, tore off her bonnet, made an attempt to hollow for help, and, failing to do this, she fell down in a fit of hysterics. Now, my feller mortals, you see the condition of affairs, how do you feel? I don't know how you feel, or would have felt, had you been in my situation, but I felt with my fingers.
When the old lady concluded to take the hysterics, Sally grew much worse, and keeled over with a fainting fit, or rather, she was suffering from too great an "afflux of blood to the arm." I had often thought I was in a scrape before, in life, and doubtless you may think I had been, but now I could have got all my scrapes together in a bag, and this would take the rag off your noses ; in fact it was the scrapings of creation. To think of it was enough to make the blood run hot in my toe nails. Just think of it. I don't believe you are half as much interested in it as I was. I believe I was about as much interested in it as I ever was in any thing in my life ; the old lady lying there on the floor, foaming at the mouth, and gasping for breath, or a little water, I didn't know which; Sally, a beautiful girl of fifteen, with pale countenance and fluttering pulse, seemed in the last agonies of death, lying at my feet. Ah ! horror of hor-rors, and my old hat for a bee-gum ! did I ever think such was to be my fate in life, after all the danger and bloodshed through which I had passed! Farewell to every fond hope and bright expectation, that had once lighted up my path. Here now lay the work of my two hands ; two innocent females consigned to a premature grave by my presumption; a husband-a father, made miserable by my heedlessness, my unguarded actions. I wish you to bear in mind, though, my friends, that I did not take as much time on that occasion to do something, as I have on this page to do nothing.
You may judge I was for looking to the young lady first, as my preceptor had always told me to remove the cause and the effect would cease. I reasoned thus as Sally's bleeding caused the old lady to take the hysterics, I must staunch the blood before either would be relieved ; good syndesmology, wasn't it; but, like many others in medical science, very absurd in the abstract. Well, think as you please, I acted accordingly, and now for the result. I looked at Miss Sally's arm and found that it had quit bleeding- a very natural result- when she fainted, a small clot formed, and stopped up the orifice. I took advantage of the auspicious moment, and put a piece of cotton over the orifice, and a bandage. I then put ammonia to her nostrils, threw cold water in her face and the dear little creature opened her eyes, drew her breath fast for a few moments, and before long was on her feet trying to revive her mother. She asked me for some spirits of camphor, saying her ma'am must always have it when she was in that fix. The camphor soon had the desired effect; the old lady bounced up and commenced a terrible squall about the way I had done, but soon quit it, when I told her if she would say nothing more about it I would not charge her any thing, and come to see Sally three times a week in the bargain. This soon made us friends, and if ever the scrape leaked out, you may have my mouth for a wash-bowl. I'll tell you the reason; as I said before, I promised to go and see Sally three times a week, merely to keep peace in the family
A week or two after the "venesection" of Sally, I strolled over to see her, only three miles off, but in one of the most pugliferous, agroomenous, ambiguous, cadaverous, sudorloric "Hollows" that you ever did see. I rode up as authoritative as a sheep to a haystack, got off my horse and went in. I arrived in the best time, perhaps, for as soon as I reached the door the old lady bawled out-
"Polkstalks and leather breeches! there comes our ramstuginous little doctor ; how are you?"
"Very well, madam, I thank you, hope I find you and family well?"
"Most awful well since our spree in town the other day. I won't tell any body 'bout it, though, you know. Look here, Doc, Sal was never so well in all her life; I believe she is puttier than ever I was when I was a gal in ole Virginny; but I'll go and bring her out, though, and you can judge for yourself."
And so saying she put off into the other cabin for Sally. I was thinking, "Well, old woman, if you think to put your daughter off on me, you are as bad mistaken as if you had burnt your shirt; not because she is not pretty, but I can't forget my dear Mollie so soon as this; and besides this, I don't want to marry nohow up in these hollows."
In she come, before I got done thinking, with Sally, blushing like a millstone.      She had improved very much.    The old lady said to me that they were going to have a frolic there that night, and was glad I had come.
She said she had sent Bill over for old Fat Dismukes, and he would soon be back with the fiddle, and then we would have some fun; "I think we deserve a little after all of us coming so near losing our reputation, or our lives, you know, about the same thing. I haint told 'bout that yet, though, an' aint goin' to."
I had a great time with Sally, about how she looked when she fainted. I told her she looked so white and nice about the lips, I felt like kissing her.
"I wish you had, it would soon brought me to my right feelings."
But, making short of a long story, Bill did soon come back with the fiddler, and then they commenced, and "frog ponds and old newspapers" what a row they kept up for three or four hours. As Sally and I didn't dance, we set off in one corner and talked most tarnal agreeable all the time. At last they all feared they might wear out their new shoes, and was about breaking up when an unexpected, unnatural, unabridged circumstance occurred. The old man and old woman got to talking very loud about the pigs rootin up the taters, and we all concluded to stay and see the fun outside in, if there was any more. The evil spirit had been in and among the crowd during the evening, and was now doing its share of good. They kept quarrelling until their labial prolongations made as much noise as the bolt of a wheat mill. So much labor was not to be lost. The old man plainly told her, if she did not hush he would frail her worse than a dog would a polecat. She was not disposed to bear any encroachment on her rights or her lefts either, and therefore gathered the broomstick and commenced giving him a good sweeping. He closed in on her, and they commenced a regular "buster."   The continued uninterrupted until she got two or three inches of the old man's nose between her teeth. This is more than any man can stand, so he bawled out like something hurt him. They were soon separated, but too late to save the old man's nose. She had taken an inch or so for breakfast. When she saw what was done, she gave one keen "Oh, ma !" and down she came, with a fit of hysterics, coflumpux on the floor.
What a fortunate thing I happened to be here to-night. I'll' et a case of surgery, and I did too. Without saying a word to any person present, whether they desired my services or not, I took the piece of nose from the old lady's mouth and put it in situ on the old man. I could not help thinking how much he looked like a big fat bull pup, before the end of his nose was put on. I got a needle and thread and sowed it oh the best I could, and then, by taking the white of an egg for plaster, I completed the dressing. By this time some one had aroused the old lady.
Thus ended the frolic in the little hog-skin hollow. But my name was soon sounded far and near as a surgeon. The old man's nose growed on again fast; yes it did, you needn't be contending about whether it could or not.
But now good night; the wolves are howling most beautifully out on the bayou, and I can sleep so much better by some such music as that. I know you will excuse me until morning, and then commences another chapter.

CHAPTER   X.
AQUA FORTIS AND CROTON OIL, OR TAKING THE WRONG MEDICINE

Ant - Stop dot kicking.

Haste ! doctor, haste !
to save my son,
Or be must quickly die;
A horse in fright has caused a stun
That made his mammy cry.
With head and tail raised in the air
We start to see the splutter;
But 'fore we safely landed there
We found we 'd lost the butter.
OLE PADDY.

AFTER taking a good meal of venison this morning, I am again prepared to proceed with my history; and let me here state that I will not pretend to give a full history of my life; it would require a much larger volume than you have patience to read, or I have time to write. I only give you an account of incidents as I can now recollect them. I write entirely from memory, and give such as I think will amuse and instruct. At no very remote period, should this little volume meet with public favor, I expect to prepare another that will, I trust, be equally if not more edifying than the present one. 1 recollect many scenes, that I have no doubt would prove highly amusing, that occurred during the remainder of my studies, but I will pass them all by until we arrive near the close of my studies in the office of my preceptor. This will be a short account of the first case that I was bold enough to take the responsibility of mounting my steed and throwing across his back a pair of saddle-bags; not a regular pair of physicians' saddle-bags, but a pair of ordinary saddle-bags that would hold near half a bushel. One day about ten o'clock, a man came riding into the village like streaks of blue lightning were after him, without shoes or coat, and a rope bridle, without any saddle or blanket, bawling at the top of his head-
u Doctor, doctor, run here, my son will die! for God's sake run here!"
Ever and anon I was on the look in for a chance to do some good for my friends and particular acquaintances, especially in that part of our country, through my neighborhood and section. He rode up to the office and called out for the old doctor. I told him he was not at home. He then asked if there was any other doctor in the place. I told him there was none at home but myself.
"What! are you a doctor?"
"Well, now, that's a nice question to ask, indeed; what do you think I would be doing in the office, if I wasn't a doctor?"
"Well,"said he, "get your horse as soon as possible, or sooner, if possible, for my son is very bad."
I asked him what was the matter; he told me his son had been badly hurt by a fall from his horse. I told him to get down and wait a few moments, and I would be ready. He did so, and I had my horse ready in a short time, but then I was in a fix to know how to carry some medicines with me. I was well aware, that unless I took some few medicines along I would not make a good im-pression. I happened to look under the counter and saw a pair of saddle-bags, such as persons in the country are in the habit of taking along when they travel. I did not want to let the old fellow see me fixing up, lest he should smell a rat, or some assafoetida. I asked him to walk in the back room, if he pleased, until I was ready. He did so, and then I commenced filling up. I scarcely know now what I didn't put in, but among others, I recollect the following:-Calomel, 1 lb; jalap 1 Â½ lb; ipecac (jar), 8 oz; croton oil, 1 bottle ; salts, 2 pounds ; 2 big gimlets; 1 large carving knife ; 4 yds of canvas for bandages; 1 paper pins; 1 lb mustard; 6 cupping glasses; 1 pr. tooth-pullers ; 1 pint (bottle) aqua ammonia; 2 yds adhesive plaster, and many, other articles too tedious to mention, making in all enough to fill both ends of the saddle bags. "Halloo, my old friend, all ready now, let us be off." He came out and looked at the saddle-bags mighty hard for a little while, but said nothing. Fearing he might be displeased with my appearance, as a doctor, I remarked to him that he must excuse me for carrying such a large pair of saddle-bags, it was all for the good of my patients. Says I," Sir, I am not like most of your proud fops of doctors, who take a little pair of bags about large enough to hold a half dozen two-ounce vials, and when they get to their patients, have to send back home for medicines, and while they are about it their patients might die. I take medicine enough to do some good, and I am not too proud to carry a large pair."
Oh, Mol! what an impression that made on him; you could see the in-tent-a-sham on his skin. The large quantities of medicine that I put in was not so much a matter of choice as necessity. I had no time to tarry for etiquette then. All things looking favorable, we started; yes, we started to get there in a minute. We put our horses out at their level best, and, as I had rather the best one of the two, I kept before. I could see persona looking at me as I went on, as though they could not be-lieve it was me. The old man lived five or six miles off, and before we reacted there our horses as well as our-selves were hauling in sail. We were riding along talking very busily, and I suppose the old man thought, very learnedly, when my horse began to sidle to the left like a steamboat going to land stern foremost. He switched his tail, he humped his back, he snorted, he kicked, he feared up, and cut more shines than a snapping-turtle on hot iron.
"What is the matter?" says the old man, "is there yellow-jackets about?"
We commenced looking as well as we could, but found no cause for such unqualified objections to my situation on his dorsal ridge. He got worse and worse, and soon at that point where a man had better stay on than get off. Not knowing what else to do he broke like he was scared to death for the woods. He went rolling equal to wildfire over logs, rocks, bushes, briers, and such other things as came in his way. He did not keep up his efforts long until he walloped me as slick as soap on the ground. I soon found out what the poor animal was making all this complaint about, for in my fall the saddle-bags were thrown all in a lump on me, striking about fifteen inches above my knees, and me flat on my face. I felt a little of the awfulest, warmest, keenest, hottest, gnawin